I’ve been writing Hippielib for 8 months now. I love it. I really do. It’s a wonderful creative outlet, sounding board and soap box for me. It’s like having a job you love:
- It’s cheap. (No gas money.)
- I work only the hours I want. (Which really means the hours I don’t want…during my free time between 9 pm and 1 am.)
- I get paid extremely well to do it. (The currency being not so much actual money as much as me wishing it was actual money.)
I love writing. And if no one ever read a single post I made I’d still write it. The diary obsession, I suppose. We all want a voice even if no one is listening.
In reality though it thrills me that anyone, anywhere takes even a minute out of their day to read anything I have to say – whether they love it or hate it – and I appreciate all who visit here.
Writing a blog is a sociological experiment on so many levels. There are so many interesting things about doing it: the comments you get, what you learn during your research on a post, the very interesting people you meet from all over the world who take time to read what you think is important at any given time, the connections you make when people like what you have to say (or really don’t like it at all), and through those connections coming across all the other voices out there you find fascinating in one way or another.
But one of the most interesting things is that you can monitor your “traffic”. It’s a very fun and enlightening part of this job. You can look at your stats every day to see how many hits you get and in a general sense where those hits come from.
You can’t see personal information such as e-mail addresses or anything like that from hits, but you can see if someone used a search engine to reach you and what they typed in to get to your site.
For instance if someone types something into Google, and for some reason my blog pops up in their search and they actually click on it – I can’t see who they are or any personal information – only what they typed to get here.
And…you can see exactly what they typed in. Word-for-word.
When you write a blog entry you are encouraged to “tag” your posts. Tags are words or phrases which are tied to your post and help categorize it for people who are searching for information on the subject you are writing about.
As an example, I could add a tag to a post labeled “making ice cream” and people searching the web for information on how to make ice cream may be directed to my blog. But what these tags also do is…blend together.
I call them “BLAGS”…for blended tags. (Remind me to copyright that).
Anyway, for instance I could tag a post with “eating ice cream at church when it’s hot outside”, but also add the tag “ice cream and your body”, because I write about how eating too much of it may make you gain weight, and the next thing you know someone who Googles “Rubbing Ice Cream All Over Your Hot Body” gets directed to my purely informational and non-pornographic post on holiday ice-cream making. I was “blagged”.
But at that point it’s done…they’ve Googled it, they’ve clicked on whichever post best correlates with their search and/or blags, and voila! I now have a record of exactly what they typed in.
There is rarely a day that goes by when I don’t laugh at what someone has Googled (let’s just use Google to encompass all search engines shall we?) to get to my blog.
Some search phrases and words are rather disturbing to read, some make perfect sense and some are hilarious and leave me scratching my head wondering how even the Internets came up with the blag (remember, blended tag) to get them to my site…and why on Earth once they saw where they were, did that particular person actually click on Hippielib at all.
I realize if you are not a regular follower of Hippielib (like most of the population) you may not get some of the references below so I will add links to the posts they are referring to when I think it might help.
So without further ado…the following are just some of the actual search engine words and terms, verbatim, which have shown up in my stats throughout the 8 month existence of Hippielib:
- MEN MAKE ME FEEL WORTHLESS – This phrase, verbatim, has been Googled and directed to my blog many, many times since I wrote the post Hold The Door. It’s very interesting yet obviously unsettling. I’m wondering if men Google “women make me feel worthless” just as much. I doubt it. There have also been many searches using the phrase: Is it oppressive to hold the door open for women? Good Lord. No. The answer is NO. Definitively No. For the woman who views it as oppressive for a man to hold the door open for her, I say…perhaps you are overreaching for shit to get pissed off at men about? There are so many legitimate reasons to be pissed at them why make them up? That may be my next post: “The Legitimate Reasons To Get Pissed Off at Men”. It’s in the works, ladies.
- ABORTION – This makes sense. I have written several times about my Pro-Choice stance. There are many variations on the search terms though: necessary abortion, what are my choices abortion, my God and abortion, what are my rights abortion, abortion please help. And not once, as some on the Religious Right would have you believe, has someone gotten here by searching “I’m Pro-Abortion and Proud” or “I’m so excited to have an abortion” or “Yippee I’m pregnant again and can’t wait to have an abortion because I use it as birth control”. Nope.
- ASTRONAUT QUOTES: Also many who have searched Astronaut quotes about religion. A Little Faith is where I compiled as many quotes from astronauts as I could find. There are entire websites dedicated to only the quotes from astronauts after they’ve been in space. Because one can only imagine how that changes a person and we should listen to what these chosen few have to say. Fascinating stuff.
- PREGNANCY AND MISCARRIAGE IVF – So many hits. Lots and lots. Also understandable due to my posts Why I’m Pro-Choice and Pandora’s Big, Fat, Sanctimonious Box.
- DREAMS ABOUT BEING IN A BUILDING UNDER WATER – Since The Closet Superhero I’m kind of astounded as to just how many people search for information on dreams about being in buildings under water – which is exactly what I wrote about. The following phrase with only slight variations in wording has been Googled, I would guess, close to 50 times: “Wall of water a hundred feet high in dreams”. There has to be some inborn psychological mechanism within the human brain which hard-wires us to dream of this scenario with such specificity that it must go beyond a simple fear of drowning or Freudian sexual frustration. Right?
- HERD MENTALITY – Since You Herd It Here First a lot of people have typed this in. I like to think of these people as unsuspecting hard-core Tea Partiers hoping to find fodder for their dislike and distrust of us Libs, and then…..BLAM! It’s flipped on ’em. I’m kidding. Sort of.
- FATE VS DESTINY – Easily one of the most frequently searched phrases that leads to Hippielib, and of course to Fate vs Destiny. Here are some of the variations: What is Fate vs Destiny?, Which came first fate or destiny?, Can I change my fate or destiny?, What is the difference between fate and destiny? Gee, I really thought I was the only one trying to determine the difference between them. Just when you think you’re unique in ALL the world…damn.
- MID-FORTIES PHYSIQUE – There are lots-o-people stressing about reaching middle age. Shocking I know. I hope they aren’t hoping they’ll find any valuable insight from me regarding this milestone, and certainly not from “Dipshit” is the new “30”. Because as you can ascertain by the title of this post…. meaningful insight is severelllllly lacking here.
- I’M SO SAD MENOPAUSE – Menopause makes me sad, menopause sweating, menopause sucks…all variations on a theme which I assume leads them again to “Dipshit is the new 30”. And I haven’t even gone through menopause yet. Wait til I do though. Only four-letter-words will guide the unsuspecting person to my posts at that time, as I’ll be all pissed off and hot-flashing because I’ve lost my bifocals and can’t remember where I put my estrogen pills.
THE LOGICAL YET HUMOROUS
- JUGGS – Big juggs, Shake your Juggs, huge juggs in corset, Huge juggs pregnant, jingling juggs, Big brown juggs. What can I say? People looovvve big juggs. Lots and LOTS of people. And with two “G’s”! I’m proud to say that Just Say No. Well…Maybe and the mention of “Juggs Magazine” is the culprit here. I feel bad though. I keep picturing some sweet, little old farmer woman innocently searching for a nice country store that sells “big brown juggs” in which to store her freshly churned butter. But then poor Mrs. McFarmer gets directed to a post about reefer madness and theft – replete with a mention and picture of a fetish magazine about absolutely enormous boobs. Sure, I bet that’s exactly who searched “big brown juggs”. Riiggghhht.
- BEST FEMALE SOLDIER MOVIES– This phrase and its variations rival “Fate vs Destiny” for most Google searches leading to my blog. The post Ain’t it a Bitch gets a lot of traffic. Hollywood should take note: People are really jonesing for some good female soldier movies. But sometimes the um, awkward variations get them here too: Bitch female soldiers, Female bitch soldiers, Women Soldiers in Movies who are bitches. Hmmm. Let me clarify people: A woman is NOT automatically a bitch when she becomes a soldier. I mean she might indeed be a bitch, but it has nothing to do with being a soldier. Come on! Grow up. And in keeping with that theme:
- SIGOURNEY WEAVER MASCULINE SOLDIER – Lots of searches for Sigourney Weaver as a masculine soldier. As a woman, I didn’t find her masculine in “Aliens”. I thought she was hot and I wanted to be her and look like her. So I got my hair cut just like her. Only it didn’t look just like hers. It looked like Ted Koppel’s. Back in my acting days I actually had head-shots done with that hair style. I’ll post a lot of shameful things about myself here, but that head-shot won’t be one of them.
- BRUCE WILLIS GUNS – Bruce Willis…With a Complex is a fairly popular post. People like Bruce a whole lot. And they’re definitely searching for information on the “Die Hard”-era-Bruce as opposed to the “Moonlighting”/Seagram’s Wine Cooler-era-Bruce. I sure bet they are disappointed when they realize that the title of the piece belies Bruce’s involvement in it. It’s a classic bait-and-switch. I can’t wait to write the post entitled “Justin Bieber and the Exit Strategy”. It will be about our involvement in Afghanistan and the precise measures I think we should take to get out of there. I will mention Justin once, only in relation to how little I know about him and don’t know what little girls see in him, but wonder what he thinks of the Afghan War. And then I will add his picture. I know it’s wrong, but the title alone will increase my traffic by about 10 billion percent and little girls will get to see yet another picture of The Biebs on yet another website. It’s a win-win for everyone.
- I FELL OFF THE ELLIPTICAL MACHINE – And: Can you fall off the elliptical machine, embarrassed I fell off the elliptical. Apparently a lot of people fall off the elliptical machines at gyms and search for other stupid people who have as well. I’m very happy I could make them feel less alone in the world with Off-Topic Tuesday: “The Gym” and the Embarrassing Things that can Happen in Them.
- SUPER MARIO ALLEGORY – This post gets hit a lot. People actually type in Super Mario Allegory or Allegory Super Mario – and often. The Allegory of Super Mario is naturally where they land. I find that so cool, and strange. Perhaps I should also copyright “You play Nintendo like you live your life”.
- FUNNY THINGS TO MAKE A HIPPIE LAUGH – Yes, tie-dye humor is searched for quite a bit. What-oh-what will make that crazy hippie laugh? Also searched: Hippie clothing, What do hippie women look for in men, Hippies in Video games (are there hippies in video games? With guns blazing and grand theft auto-ing?), Hippie feminist sexist (Do those exist? I thought those kind were extinct).
- MY CHEER LEADING UNIFORM SHRANK – Also: Help my cheer leading uniform shrank, can you unshrink a cheer leading uniform. Oh, those poor girls. I understand the inexplicable trauma as described in 15 Minutes.
- CASEY ANTHONY PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES – Also: What were Casey Anthony’s parental responsibilities, and variations of Casey’s “responsibility”. They were led to The Mother of All Panic Buttons. And obviously the answer is: She fucking had none.
- SIGOURNEY IS NOT THE ALIEN MOTHER SHE’S THE CUNT – Uh huh. Wowza. I don’t know about you but I sense some significant anger issues at play here. That’s just not right at all.
- ALIEN MOTHER AND PLANET AND I LOVER HER MUCH – I….hmmm. I’ll chalk this one up to a language-translation-barrier issue. Please God let that be it.
- DIET PEPSI WITH WORLD TRADE CENTER ON IT – Also: Diet Pepsi Twin Towers, Diet Pepsi can with WTC jets, and Diet Pepsi World Trade Center Jet Image. I understand the blags – I mention both Diet Pepsi and the World Trade Center in my post about 9/11 entitled The Instant-Replay. But what am I missing here? Is Pepsi doing some promotional campaign with depictions of the Twin Towers on their cans? Oi. Here’s some unsolicited advice, Pepsi: Don’t do that. Just don’t…do…that.
- SLUT FINGER ON OVARY POSSIBLY PREGNANT – Yes, I did mention the word “slut” in Dear Diary, but I believe this might be the best example of blagging yet: I think this phrase blended tags from five different posts, each word coming from a different one. And for those of you who believe sex-ed is an unnecessary and religiously compromising addition to the curriculum in our public schools, please read this sentence over…and over…and over…and over…again.
- OLD ENGLISH PHOTO OF A MAN HOLDING A TORTOISE OVER HIS HEAD – Wow. I don’t know. I really don’t. I haven’t Googled this phrase myself yet, but I will. I’m still too nervous at what I might find.
- FREE TUBE OF HIGH QUALITY BIG FAT WELL SHAPED WOMEN – Hot damn there are some freaks out there on Planet Earth. Maybe that makes me sound a little uppity, a little better and more “normal” than others. But that’s only because it’s TRUE. Come on!
- DOUCHE BAG – I don’t remember writing about douches or douche bags in any of my posts, and I resent the Internets for sending this douche bag here. Uh, see…now I’ve done it.
- WE HAD 1 STAIR IN THE BASEMENT WITH 2 TERMITE LARVAE. THE HOUSE HAS BEEN FREE AND CLEAR FOR TWO YEARS. DO WE NEED TO DISCLOSE THIS INFORMATION TO POTENTIAL BUYERS – Uh huh. Someone typed that whole thing in and got here, and then not only got here but read the name of this blog and most likely clicked on the post “Ain’t it a Bitch” (in which I mention the word “larvae”) because they were thinking…”Hey, maybe this bitch knows if I have to disclose or not!” As a homeowner, I believe you do have to disclose for up to five years. But please check with your state and local guidelines on this matter. DISCLAIMER: I’m making that up. I have no idea. But I’m glad you stopped by nonetheless. Good luck to you.
- DIPSHIT – I know you are but what am I? What is someone hoping to find when they search with just the word “Dipshit”? Probably something really inane…oh, wait….Hey. I resemble that.
- DIPSHIT HAT – I wonder what a dipshit hat looks like and where I can find one. Oh, never mind…found it.
- SMART MONKEY – This one cracks me up because I too searched for this picture to compliment a portion of The Indignity Between 6 and 8, in which I justifiably compare my mathematical intelligence to that of a primate. I literally Googled “Smart Monkey”. People have also gotten here several times by typing in Monkey Wearing Glasses. No one doesn’t like a monkey wearing glasses.
- PRESIDENT OBAMA MAKING A BABY IN A TEST TUBE – So not only do some people think our President is the reincarnation of Hitler, or the Anti-Christ, or a screaming Socialist (as opposed to the not-so-closet Conservative he’s turning out to be)…he’s now a mad-scientist cookin’ up babies in tubes. I wish I had better health care coverage to help pay for the whiplash I’m getting from shaking my fucking HEAD.
- BRAIN SURGEON MATH FORMULAS – Cackling maniacally to myself. Oh man, that is rich. Some poor intern at Johns Hopkins was simply searching for the elusive “Brain Surgeon Math Formula” so he could study for the brain surgery final…and got my blog about how I only got a 7 in Math on my ACT exam. I instantly made that person feel like the most super-smart person on the planet. Glad I made their day.
- FUCK MATH I’M GONNA BE A MUSICIAN – Whoever this person is I love him with all my heart and want to marry him and live happily ever after with him in a commune somewhere. I assume that he clicked on The Indignity Between 6 and 8 and if he read it, surely realizes we are soul mates. Call me??
Umm, I believe that I should be able to share the copywrite on “You play Nintendo like you live your life” since I was there providing the “meticulous” and “cautious” play that apparently brought you perilously close to having a stroke every time we played, being Sundance to your Butch Cassidy, Hutch to your Starsky … Luigi to your Mario.
Don’t make me call my lawyer. “Sue”
You’ll get nothing and LIKE IT. Damn you were slow. But as long as the White Russians kept coming I could tolerate it. Gracie to my George, Paris to my Nicole, Katie to my Tom, Queen Isabella to my Columbus….(dear God someone stop me…)
Indeed! How fun-keep writing!
Thank you, my friend. It’s way easier than dancing, that’s for sure.
Love that math formula! Was that on you ACT exam? Once again, funny, funny stuff! Love it!
I wish it was. I would have gotten that one right.
p.s. i flunked algebra one 3 times, and i am a musician…it’s just too bad i’m way too old for you. :-) continue…
Old is a state of mind, babe. Although my knees are killing me today. Where the hell are my orthopedics….
Lilabell, there aren’t enough like buttons here to show how much i “like” this post. I LOVE, LUUOOORRRVE (in the word of W. Allen) this post. witty, damn plain funny, clever, just a really fun read. but FYI, when i googled “Rubbing Ice Cream All Over Your Hot Body” i didn’t get hippielib – an’ i wanna know how come? continue…
Bark, I apologize for my lateness in getting back to you. Holiday coma. The “how come” is because it should have immediately redirected you to an extreme right-wing donation site. I will never learn to hack well. Must keep practicing. Thank you for your kind words, and luuoooorrrrve W. Allen, that is. Did I scare you for a minute? :)